No brewing recap

I didn't get to brew beer this week. Instead, my brother & I had "hosting" duties at our parents' 50th wedding anniversary party. Technically, it was their party, planned, presented, and paid for by them, but apparently according to tradition, it's their children who are the "hosts". Which translates to "unpaid staff"; I got to spend the first part of the evening checking in guests, had to make an introduction before the meal, and had to offer remarks for a toast. I shared these duties with my older brother, which made things a bit easier, but it was still work.

That said, I look good in a suit:

(though I can't decide if the glowing red eyes say "fiend from hell", 'Sarah Conner?', or maybe just 'is this to be an empathy test?')

So instead, I'll just share some of my remarks from my toast:

"We are gathered here to honor the commitment of these two people. Fifty years is a very long time, and difficult to imagine. I nearly passed out when I signed my thirty year mortgage; I truly cannot comprehend what it means to be committed to another person, with lasting love, for fifty years, but I can recognize how rare and valuable that kind of commitment is."

Marketing Disasters

It's time again for a journey through what incompetent marketers would call 'the fickle mind of the consumer'. It's what most everyone else calls crashingly obvious, but it's what I call my weekly content.



OK, so I like the flavor of tamarind in sodas and ice cream. Heck, I even put it in beer! And I've had tamarind popsicles before, so I'm not opposed to the underlying concept at work here. So why feature it? Because this is what a tamarind seed pot looks like: it's a light brown, lumpy & irregular cylinder that breaks open to reveal darker brown, roughly round lumps. In other words, it's the last image you want associated with food. Yet there it is, in multiple spots on the wrapper, in all it's turd-like glory.


When it comes to wine, I usually have a hands-off approach. I've said before there's no naming convention for wine, and really, nothing's off limits. "Donkey Fell Into The Batch" Merlot? Apparently an OK name. "Bottled By an Epileptic" Cab Sav? I've seen worse. But every now & then, something stands out:

Yup. A wine label around the theme of cars, and driving. Apparently, there are sipping wines, wines for picnics, wines for drinking at the racetrack, and now wines for a nice drive in the country!


Now this is some marketing genius here! "Snack size", for when you don't want a lot, you just want a quick snack. "Snack size" of dry cookie mix... for when you want to mix up batter, roll out dough, heat the oven, and bake cookies, but  you don't want a lot of cookies to show for your effort!

I've picked on Hot Pockets before this, but this time it really is purely a marketing issue. Why aren't Breakfast Hot Pockets more successful?

So the smallest box (featuring a "New Bigger Size"!!) holds five, the nearly-identical box holds only two, and the biggest box contains four. I've said it before and I'll probably have to say it again: confusing your customers is not an effective long-term strategy.


In case the resolution is too poor, the text of the little 'button' says "Recovery never tasted so good".
Yup. That's right. Recession-themed ice cream...
(back-up link to express my outrage, in case the primary dies)
I can at least take some solace in knowing that it was originally created and marketed long enough ago that it's now being bought & sold at a deep discount at the Grocery Outlet.

Quick brewing recap

I know I normally write these sometime before Thursday, so I'm still inside the window of opportunity.

10 gallons bottled last Sunday. OK, 7 & 1/2 gallons actually, with 2.5 gallons in the half-keg. The smoked porter got kegged, and I think it will be a very nice beer; tasting will be in two weeks, give or take. The Xochitl Beer (tamarind red) got bottled as well, and come February should be ready for drinking.

The big event for this week was our first ever attempt at brewing with maple syrup, in a hugely high gravity "breakfast beer", a Maple/Oatmeal/Milk Stout. (or MOM, for short) The trouble with maple syrup is that it's highly fermentable, but the aromatic/flavor elements are extremely delicate; they tend to boil off easily, and you need a lot of syrup to get that "maple" flavor. By a lot, I mean for a 5 gallon batch of beer, we're adding 1 gallon of Grade B maple syrup. Actually, Gary is adding the maple syrup in stages over this week, because too much sugar would shock the yeast. As it is, the final beer will clock in at around 10% ABV, so it's a 'breakfast beer' only in the sense that after you've had one, you're good until lunch.

For reference, Gary ordered a pack of Founder's Breakfast Stout, having seen it mentioned in a "top 25 microbrews" article, and I have to say, it was a very nice beer! Instead of maple syrup and milk sugar (what we're using), they made an oatmeal stout with coffee and chocolate. It's a great beer, but it illustrates the challenges of brewing with coffee; the first taste has almost overwhelming coffee flavor. It isn't until a few sips in that the chocolate and oat notes rise up.

The movable feast was very much in evidence. Amber brought a seasoned pork loin to smoke, Ronda made banana cream pie and pumpkin rolls, I provided a cinnamon & cranberry goat cheese log from Grocery Outlet, Shannon provided fruits & veggies, Mike produced some very nice homemade pepperoni, and someone (can't give credit if you don't know who) offered some exceptionally good smoked salmon. This year's batch of Tir's Hammer was delivered and made available to club members, and there was much rejoicing.

I'm not brewing next Sunday (I have duties at my parent's 50th wedding anniversary party) but I suggested brewing a Vienna Lager with extra cara-pils and apple extract for a caramel apple beer. (Truthfully though, if I want that beer, I probably need to be the one to make it...)

And New Year's Eve should be a rather impressive gathering for the brewing club, as we sample and share our saved treasures from our laid-in beers.

Steak

My local grocery store has a 'discount meat' section of cuts that are near their pull date and are marked down accordingly. This is pretty much my sole source of steak these days, so I keep an eye out for a good deal, and when I checked today (after a trip to the gym) I found two half-pound petite sirloin steaks for $3. Sold!

Right now, we're in a cold snap with a very brisk wind to boot. There's no way I was going to grill these, so I decided to try pan-frying. Several Google searches, YouTube videos and web-pages later, I was ready. Yes, I like this way of cooking steak, but even more I like this way of eating steak. And along the way, I learned a few things about cooking & eating steak.

Every so often, as I learn things, I wonder why there isn't some "welcome to adulthood" guidebook that I should have gotten to cover all this stuff, like how flat-front pants can be worn at the hips but pleated front pants need to be worn at the waist. Anyhow, tonights lessons:

*Never, ever, ever touch a steak with anything but tongs or a spoon when cooking. Only idiots poke steak. Turning steak won't hurt it too much, but poking it just plain wrong.

*Let the steak sit for at least five minutes after it comes out before serving it. The butter needs time to melt anyway, and the residual heat finishes the flavors. Plus, cutting it early makes all that delicious juice spill out and be wasted.

*All this time, I found out I was eating steak the wrong way. I always cut with the grain of the meat, but that's the wrong way to eat it. The reason steak knives are supposed to be so sharp is so they can easily and smoothly cut across the grain of the meat. Why? Because when you cut across the grain of the meat, when you eat that piece, you're chewing with the grain of the meat. Harder to cut, but easier to chew and savor!

*Apparently, my near-OCD behavior about timing and timers is an asset while cooking steak, as even before today's educational steak-cooking research, my wife claims I cooked a better steak than her.

SNL Disaster

No links, no big explanation, just pointing out that Saturday Night Live did a comedy sketch about Tiger Woods and domestic violence... when the musical guest for the show was Rhianna.

I feel bad about that last bit...

Here, let me make it up to you. (SFW)

Not enough to ease the pain? Take two and call me in the morning.

I'm very sorry...

There really aren't words for this: